Another leg of the journey

I have obviously left the blogging world stranded for a while. For good reasons though!

A few months ago I suddenly found myself in the midst of a very busy summer filled with teaching and loving on little 5 year olds at a daycare.  There were so many days where I felt inadequate for the job.  I mean, seriously?  I was only coming off of 2 years in college, and here I was working as a lead teacher for these little minds?  When I was confronted with the possibility of taking the job, my first reaction was, "I can't do this. This is like being a real teacher.  I have 14 kids that I am responsible for.  I don't have anyone to help me.  This is scary and I don't think I have what it takes."  But like every other step I have taken in the world of education, I trusted God to use me and grow me.  I took the job...and it was the best decision I could ever have made.  Yeah, there were days where I cleaned up puke, broke up fights, and dealt with bloody noses, but then there were all the hugs, and the smiles, and the joy of their eyes lighting up when they learned something new or made something pretty for their mom and dad.  So in a very brief paragraph, that was how I spent my summer.  I am so thankful to God for how He both provided a job for me, and gave me exactly what I needed to do that job.  I'm also thankful for the opportunity to do that job again next summer!  And because teachers are always in the process of learning...I'm going to do it even better than I did before!  It's a continuous process!  This is why I love what I do.

A few days after I said goodbye to my Kindergarteners, I said goodbye to my ESL buddy, my roommate, and my best friend as she headed off on her adventure to Spain for the semester.  Needless to say, it was a bit of a rocky start to the school year.  It was hard for a lot of reasons.  One reason being the fact that  I had people on my left and right trying to tell me how to get through the semester and make it fun and positive.  And while I really appreciated that they cared about me, a lot of it wasn't what I needed to hear at the time. Parts of the advice they gave were true though.  I needed to figure out how to do Northwestern without what my high school Spanish teacher would call my "bungee buddy."  Well, since I didn't seem to really have a choice, I "decided" to just go for it.  So I set out on my mission to find out more about me, and here are a few things that I learned:

1.  I am most decidedly an introvert.  I honestly am perfectly happy doing things on my own and independent from the help of others.  In school, I have always learned best this way (homeschool side-effect).  If I am put in a group, I find that I simply sit back and let my group members do the learning for me.  If I work alone, I take responsibility for what I am doing and learn a lot more in the process.  I might not always get as good of a grade as I would with a group, but I learn more and am better for it when I work alone.  The same goes for life outside of school.  I love to be around people!  But when I am around people all day...from classes to band to dinner to roommates...I need alone time (another homeschool side-effect).  Otherwise I would go crazy!

2.  I am very stubborn and determined.  It has been interesting to see my stubbornness and determination take on a new strength this semester.  I went into this semester thinking that I would have loads of free time.  I mean, I didn't have a bestie to go do random things with all the time, right?  So I should have extra time, right?  Nope!  I was thrown into the busiest academic semester of my time at Northwestern (according to my profs).   This semester has tried me in many hard ways.  While I was fighting through many different kinds of emotions, I was also fighting through piles of homework and presentations and actual teaching in actual schools.  It has taken great amounts of determination to get through many of the weeks this year.  My stubbornness has shown itself too as I have been doing my best to show people that I can do this semester.  I might be the youngest in my ESL classes.  I might be fighting with some loneliness in a way that others are not.  But I have set my mind and heart to this semester, and nothing can stop me from finishing it strong.

3.  I am very scheduled and organized.  See, I've always been a very organized person who has a schedule and sticks to it.  But this semester, with classes and life just going to a whole new dynamic, I have had to learn a whole new level of being organized.  It was kind of funny!  At the beginning of this year I would find myself lost in my own head a lot as everything I needed to do was spinning around me.  I would stand in my room completely oblivious as to what I needed to put in my backpack for class, and even when I thought I had everything, my roommates would laugh as I haphazardly ran back to the room two times after leaving because I remembered that I forgot something important!  A couple days ago, I realized that I don't do that anymore.  I have things down to a system.  Whether you think that is good or bad, it's what works for me.  I have my days scheduled.  I specifically have to schedule time for homework and time to take for myself.  (This blogging entry was NOT scheduled, mind you, this was just an added fun thing to my day at the last minute!).  I do leave time for fun, but if I don't keep to some kind of organized schedule, my life would fly out of control I think!  PS, I think my high level of organization, scheduling, and time management skills are contributing to my growing ability to get everything done as a teacher.  Maybe that's why they give me so much homework in class....hmmm.  Northwestern prepares us well :)

4.  I am loyal.  If nothing else....this semester has shown me that if I see that someone is going to stick with me, I will stick with them no matter what.  Both my mom and my extra mom like to say this a lot:  distance makes the heart grow fonder.  And throughout this semester, I have found that to be true.  I have had to learn a new way to miss someone I love a lot.  A way that says "I miss you...but I know you are where God wants you, and I know I am where God wants me, and that's ok.  I just can't wait to see you again."  I know I have a lot to learn still in the loyalty department...and this will carry on into next semester and the rest of my life.  But this semester has put me on the beginning of a journey, and for that I am thankful.


5.  I am stronger than I thought I could be:  I'll be honest.  I was quite scared of this semester for....a couple years now.  I knew it would be hard  and I wasn't sure how I'd react or handle it.  But (now let me have a little moment here and post a quote from Winnie the Pooh) I've really come to know that you can be "braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."  Sorry.  Had to post that, but it really is true.  I won't ever look back on this semester as a super happy and fun one, but I will always look back on it as being good.  It has grown me and challenged me and shown me that I really am stronger than I thought I was.  Most importantly, it has shown me that I can really do anything through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).  Whether that anything is teaching kindergarten, playing a solo in a concert, giving a presentation, or facing a semester with a best friend who is thousands of miles away, the things that I feel weak in, He has given me strength to do for His glory.  So really, when people have asked me how I am doing this semester, I honestly tell them I am fine.  I have the strength of God on my side, and I know it and feel it as I go through each day.  I am so thankful for His blessings and his grace in my life.  By trusting in His strength and goodness and provision, I have been able to make it almost all the way through this semester, so I will continue to do that for the last three weeks and just take things one day at a time...sometimes just one step at a time...all the while trusting that He is in control and has given me strength to do all things.

So yeah!  Just a few thoughts from my end after a long period of silence.  I thought it was time to sort of reflect on this journey I've been on over the past few months and give God some of the glory through my words because He has been so good to me.

A Time For Everything

So I find myself on the last day of a very long Christmas break.  When I first got home three weeks ago, it was mere days away from Christmas so i was swept away into a whirlwind of activities that occupied my mind and body for almost a week.  Then things got quiet.  Much quieter than I was used to or even enjoyed.  I thrive off of having a schedule and having things to do.  And then, at the end of a busy day, I love to be able to do nothing because I've earned it.  This break has been full of forced and total relaxation time, and I fought it fiercely for about a week.  It made me miserable.
 
I don't really know how to explain what changed.  Maybe the circumstances changed.  Maybe I changed.  But for the last week, I found myself going out of my way to find things to do and to find people to do them with, and that helped.  It gave me a schedule of sorts, and it gave me something to do rather than watch I Love Lucy and House Hunters (which isn't a bad decision most of the time, but after a couple weeks of it, you need a little change!).  But then I realized that things still felt off.  I have spent a lot of time in prayer over the last few weeks.  Every night I took off walking (much to my parent's dismay) and as I tread the streets and wished it was warm enough to bike, I would pray.  I would pray the way my mind knows best, out loud, just like I'm talking to any other friend.  When I talk to God like that, I tell Him all the things that He knows.  I tell him what's going on, I thank Him for what He's doing, I let Him remind me of His faithfulness, I pray for others, and I pray for myself.

These past few weeks have been a little different though because I have been doing more than just what is written above.  I have found myself more often than not, pleading with God over a certain area in my life, just begging him to help to heal certain wounds in my heart that have been building up for a long time.  In the past, I have been expecting him to move in this area, but I hadn't been praying about it the way I should have been.  A week before break, my friend and I decided that she and I both needed to start praying more about this "brick wall" of hurt and fear in my life.  I promised her I would!  So I did.  But even though I started to pray more over this break, I still didn't believe that God would actually hear and listen to my pleas for healing.  How could anyone heal the hurts and fears that had been building up, and worsening, and trapping my heart for months?  But something started changing during the past few days.  I started to pray even more differently still.  I realized that what I was praying for was something that wasn't just a silly wish from me.  It was something that was so very deeply a part of God's will.  I knew that He would heal me.  I just didn't know when.  I started to pray in a way that acknowledged God's promises and just asked that He would work on my heart soon because I knew that He would do it.  Not many days later, I realized that the fears were starting to diminish.  Suddenly, I felt like maybe, just maybe for the first time, that it might just be ok.  I can't really explain that feeling other than to say that suddenly, I feel peace in places when, in the past, the circumstances that are around me right now usually indicate near panic in my life.  Is this healing complete?  Absolutely not.  I know I still have a lot left to fight through.  But I am realizing more and more that God has given me the tools to fight through it, and that even though I know there will be days and nights when peace seems far away, I know that He has started this healing process in me.  For the first time, I can be absolutely sure of that.

These verses in John keeps speaking to me over and over again because it couldn't ring more true in my life than it does right now.

Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone.  Yet I am not alone for the Father is with me.  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world.  (John 16:32-33)

I'm here.  At home.  Everyone has left me from school.  I am alone!!  But God has proven that this break, no matter how hard it has been, has been good.  He hasn't left, and He has used the aloneness in a powerful way.  He is stronger than the troubles in my heart, and in Him I may have peace.

So last night, I found myself back at my bridge.  The bridge that I always run away to when I need to be alone.  It's where I feel closest to God.  I don't go there often during the winter, but it was almost 40 degrees, and I knew i needed to go.  As I sat there, listening to the water flowing, I heard God reminding me, "there is a time for everything."

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

He reminded me that the struggles I've been going through over the past few months have been part of His plan.  There is a time for struggling, and that's ok.  But there is also a time for peace.  I've been beating myself up for the struggles I've been going through, but last night God just whispered to me that it was really ok to struggle and not be perfect.  I think I'm starting to believe it.  He hasn't and won't let me go or forget about me because of it.  But like everything else, I know that I'm not done struggling.  I never will be.  But there is a time for everything, and whether that time is easy or hard, good or bad, full of struggles or full of peace, God is still there, whispering to my soul, telling me that I can let it go and trust in Him.

Deeper into Trust

Hi!  It's almost been three months since my last update!  Oops.  Funny story about that:  I've actually made two or three attempts at writing a post, but I've gotten lost in my own words, and I ended up confusing myself even more.  See, I have a lot going on in my heart, but sometimes it's just hard to put it all into words.  People ask how I'm doing, and I try my very best to tell them as much as I can.  Answering the "how are you doing" question has gotten harder as the years go on.  That's frustrating for me because I usually have no trouble whatsoever talking about, well, anything.  But, this is going to be me giving it my best shot.

Much of this semester has boiled down to trust.  Do you ever have those times when you give something over to God, you entrust it to Him completely, and He proves His faithfulness by providing in a situation?  Often times in a better way then you could ever imagine?  I love it when that happens.  I love being able to tell the stories of God's faithfulness.  Even if sometimes I'm not even telling the story to anyone, I'm just reminding my own heart of His goodness.

It's been a while since I've really been struck by God's faithfulness in a situation though.  That doesn't mean that I don't think He's working through things in my life, but it just means that for right now, it just is hard to see beyond the present struggles.  Sometimes I'm left wondering how it's going to all work out.  Because at this point, I know that God is the only one who is strong enough or powerful enough to bring me through things.

So we're back at trust.  Do I really trust God that He will be faithful?  Do I really believe that, just like He has in the past, He will come through?  He won't leave me, nor forsake me?  He knows everything that I need?  And He actually WANTS to give me the desires of my heart?  I think I know the answers to those questions.  I think the next step in my journey is just remembering God's faithfulness each day. And never ceasing in prayer.  Putting my focus on God, and remembering that He is in control.  Looking forward to the day that I can look back on this time of my life and say, just like I have been able to do before, God is faithful, and he knows what He is doing.  Life is a journey.  And for now, I think my eyes need to be fixed on God and not worrying about anything because no place is safer than the arms of Jesus.

These verses have really been speaking to me lately:

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own troubles."  Matthew 6:33-34

So, as I finish this semester, I'm embarking on this journey of trust yet again.  I feel refreshed and ready to tackle everything again.  And I'm oh so thankful that between the people God has placed in my life, and God Himself, I will NEVER be alone.  --Miss Mary Sunshine, over and out!

A New Year

It's official.  I have made it through the summer!  This is my last night at home, my last night before I move back to school.  I'm just lying on my bed, looking around at my room, and wondering what this year is going to hold.  And now that I just typed that, I'm really, really wondering!!  

It seems like every year, God shows up and does amazing things in my life!  He often likes to surprise me with blessings.  He also likes to throw surprise curves into my well-planned paths.  But through each year, I have grown closer to Him, and that is the ultimate goal.  I have no doubt this year will be the same.

The second half of this summer proved to be a lot less bumpy than the first.  I sort of figured out how to live at home again, and things got into a schedule and routine.  But as the numbers in my countdown to go back to school got smaller and smaller, I got restless.  I mean, this past week has been nothing but a roller coaster of nerves, excitement, and bottled up energy.  But at the same time, I sort of didn't realize that I'm actually leaving home tomorrow morning.  About an hour ago (as I was writing the second paragraph), I suddenly looked out the window as it was getting darker.  I realized that this was my last night to just bike around town.  So I jumped out of bed, unhooked my bike from the carrier on the van, and peddled around Farmington for the last time.  I just got to thank God in advance for all He is going to do in my life and in the lives of those around me this year.  It was sort of my way of saying goodbye to this place. 

Then I came back and faced the wrath of my grumpy dad who had to go put the bike back on the car.  But it's ok because he loves me :)

Year number two at Northwestern!  Bring it on! 

Priceless

There are certain things in life that you just can't put a price on.  I think everyone can agree with that.  And to put it like good ol' Pooh would, "Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart."

This past week I got to go spend a time with Miss Megan and her family up in northern Wisconsin and the upper peninsula of Michigan.  I don't know if you've ever been to northern Wisconsin before, but it is seriously like another world up there!  The wide open fields and busy highways of the south metro transformed into forests and deserted dirt roads before my very eyes as I traveled north.

As I breathed in the Wisconsin air and took time to relax this week, I realized just how important the little things are to me.  Things like, bonfires (the kind that no one feels the need to talk during), swimming, catching frogs, staring up at the stars, hearing the wind whisper through pine trees, hugs (the best friend kind), watching almost an entire season of I Love Lucy, friendship tea in matching zebra and giraffe mugs, laughing, smiling, making food, drinking coffee, playing music, sleeping till 10 (or maybe 12), picking rascalberries, discovering that you actually have 17 different possible nicknames, and just the simple pleasure of remembering that your far-away friend does actually exist in a world apart from your phone or your computer.

If anyone has been paying the slightest bit of attention to this blog of mine, they'd be able to read and see that God's been changing me a lot in this past year.  Things haven't always been easy, or happy, or fun.  And even though those difficult times are still merely a fraction compared to the good times, because of those hard things, I've learned to rely on God to get me through when it's been too hard to stand on my own.

Even though our deepest reliance should always be on God, even God knows that we need friends on this side of heaven too.  I am so thankful that about exactly a year ago, I started to get to know Megan.  A year ago I was already praying for her achey back, and she was already praying for my trumpet audition.  And that was before we'd ever even met.  A whole year later, I can say that I am still amazed that God chose to bless me with such a faithful, loving, trustworthy, grounded-in-Christ friend like her...because I haven't always deserved it.  Oh yeah, that's where that faithful part comes in.  She is such a blessing in my life and in the lives of others.  Her friendship is one that is priceless to me.

Want to hear more about my week up north? Well, sorry because I probably already told too much.  There are just some things that only my best friend and I will ever know about ;)  

  

A Change of Wind -- Being Blown back to God :)

The way I see it, my summer has been divided into three chunks.  First half, intermission/a week in Wisconsin, and second half.  First half is almost over, and I'm still not sure whether this summer is passing by quickly or slowly for me.  Maybe it's a little bit of both.

I think I'm officially in the swing of things back here at home.  I have re-acclimated to my family's eating schedule (as my mom was so kind to point out to me tonight).  No longer do I eat lunch at 1 or 2 and round it off with dinner at 6:30.  I'm finding myself hungry for lunch at 11, and I'm hungrily leaning over the upstairs balcony at exactly 5:20, smelling to see if dinner is ready!

My neighbors have also gotten used to my presence again.  Now they just smile and wave at me as I run or bike past their houses four or five times a day.  And who could miss the trumpet?  Yes, the noisy neighborhood musician is back.  And when the windows are open, they all get a free concert!  I must have toned it down a little though because two doors down, my neighbor actually thought I played the flute... Still not sure what to think about that one.

So, other than running, and biking, and trumpeting, I have been filling the rest of my time up with working and studying.  I am never taking summer classes again. Ever.  If I can at all help it at least.  Summers are not meant for learning.  It's as simple as that!

Well, summers aren't meant for textbook learning.  I have been learning this summer because I asked God to keep teaching me stuff this summer.  I was a little afraid He would push the pause button on my growth and just wait to hit play until September.  But if there's one thing I learned and learned fast it's this: when you ask God to keep teaching you things, He will not leave you wanting.  I mean there have been times these last few weeks that I have pleaded with God to show me what the heck He is doing!  It's that old saying come true, "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it."

The way God has been growing me is almost too hard to put into words.  It's been hard, even painful at times.  There were days where the doubts and worries nearly swallowed me whole.  But it's because of those doubts and worries that I learned to grow.  I learned to depend on God's promises and God's promises alone to sustain me.  Without all the struggle and fear, I would not have found a deeper trust in God.  I would never have been forced to rely on him so completely.

Sometimes all I can do is thank God for the difficulties because if the end result is anything like I hope it will be, I cannot be thankful enough for the hardship.  Just as it says in James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."


Not lacking in anything?! Now, that's the kind of promise that I could get excited about :)  

A Change of Wind -- Being Blown Back Home :)

As you may already know by now, I'm officially back home for the summer!  And as of about 4:00 this afternoon, I'm officially all moved in!  It only took five days.  My excuse is that I just got back from band tour to New York and Philadelphia.  So not only did I have stuff from college to put back in order, but I also had a week's worth of a messy suitcase to figure out!  I'm sure glad everything is back in order in my room though, and I think my mom is too because this house is entering into lockdown mode as we get ready for Ben's grad party next weekend.  I'm almost afraid to leave my room for fear of creating a mess my mom will have to clean up!

But that's about as exciting as it's gotten around here since I've been back.  For the most part, my parents have been at work and my brothers have been at school.  That leaves me and the dog here at home for the daytime.  I've needed the quiet though.  When I first got back home from saying goodbye to everyone at  school, I ran up to my room with Lizzy and just sat on my bed.  The only noise I could hear was the ringing in my ears from the constant chatter and music I'd been surrounded by for the past, well, four months.  For the first time, I was alone.

When I was younger, I always loved the wind because it felt so awesome and powerful.  And as I've gotten older, I still love it because it reminds me that God is powerful and He is always in control no matter what the circumstance.  It just so happened that my first two days of being back home were some of the windiest days yet this year.  I just felt this overwhelming presence of God as the wind blew through my house.  Yeah, by this point I'm starting to miss school a little bit, and I definitely miss the people I've gotten to know this year, but I'm excited to see what God's going to do in me and in others this summer.

If there's one thing I could say I learned while I was on tour, it's this: God is sovereign.  When worry starts to take over and I lose focus of what's really important, I've been getting better about turning to God in prayer instead of freaking out.  I mean really, my worrying does nothing to help any situation.  God's the one who's in control of it all, and He isn't going to let anything happen that He doesn't want to have happen.  I often forget that and lose my trust in God and in others because of it.  My friends will tell you that I'm definitely not perfect at this whole "not worrying" thing!  And my family will tell you that it's been a struggle for me ever since I was a little girl!  But it's a process.  It's always a process.  And it's a process that I know I'll still be working through for a long time, but I'm already seeing how far God's brought me in this process.  That brings me back to Philippians 1:6 where it says "But we can be confident of this, that he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

God's not finished with me yet!  And even though the wind is changing, and it might be hard at times, I choose to trust Him.

You Stay the Same

So here I am.  Only one more week of classes left.  So now I have to face the last challenge of the year: saying goodbye.

As I look back over the past year, I wonder where it all went.  I think it's partly because this winter was so weird and warm, but it feels like fall simply turned into spring and caught me by surprise.

I've tried five times to write this blog post, but it's been really hard to find the words for this one because there's a lot of conflict inside of me.  There have been times in the past few weeks where God has literally just had to break me apart in order to start healing me, and that's hard to talk about.  Maybe summer is exactly what I need to simply step away from things for a while.  Mostly though, my heart is just filled with thankfulness for the blessings God has given me despite my mistakes and shortcomings.  It's wonderful that God doesn't bless me according to what I deserve because I sure wouldn't be left with much!

So now as I'm looking towards summer, I am thankful for all the things I've come to know and love this year: the people, the places, and everything else that I'm going to miss for three months this summer.  I don't think a single day has passed by while I've been here that I haven't thanked God for this place.  Not every day has been easy or even fun, but at the end of it all, I am still able to tell God how grateful I am for how He's working in and through me.

So what has God been teaching me as I'm preparing to say goodbye for a few months?  I keep being brought back to James 1 where it says:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5


I also keep coming to Hebrews 13:8 where it says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.


These verses tell me that I'm not a finished product.  Ever.  If I am, that's a problem!  God should always be working me and changing me into a person who brings Him more honor and glory.  I'll always have work to be done inside of me.  But even while God is changing me or changing everything around me, there is one thing I can count on:  God will never change.  NEVER.  The world may fall away, but He will remain the same.

As I leave from this place, I'm going to cling to that promise.  :)

Spring has Sprung

I realize that the last time I posted was, well, a long time ago.  But then I realized that the main reason I post on this thing is to sort of process things I'm learning being away from home.  In a way, I've been just settling in.  I wouldn't say that I've figured out life here, but things here are just starting to seem more normal as opposed to weird, different, or hard.

Wait, did I say things weren't hard?  I didn't mean that.  While a lot of things are starting to settle in, the challenges with living here are still new and, quite frankly, more challenging than ever.  A lot of times, there is no right or wrong answer to a problem.  The answer of what to do isn't always in black and white.  Sometimes there isn't even an answer that has any good in it, and no matter what I choose, things will be bad.  I strongly dislike those sorts of problems, and it seems like this semester has been filled with them.

When there isn't an answer, and I can't reason around these problems, that's where I've been learning to go to God.  Even if I don't know how to solve a problem, He is there to give me wisdom, peace, and comfort.  Even if things don't seem ok, I know God will never send anything my way that He knows I can't handle.  I've been learning to trust Him in a much deeper way, knowing that only He provides the kind of peace I seek.

God has been so good in many ways this week.  It's like He flipped the switch from winter (if you could even call these last six months winter) to summer in only a matter of days.  And as the temperature rises campus comes alive with people emerging from their dorm dens.  There is just so much joy in everyone around me, I haven't been able to do anything except smile this whole week!  My joy has come from a deeper peace than I have had in long time (and the weather too I suppose).  Because just as God has been changing this weather, He has also been changing me.  Things are different now, but life comes in seasons, and even though trusting God can be hard through these seasons of change, I've come to realize that life isn't always about knowing the big picture of God's plan.  It's just about trusting God to be there with you each step of the way.  

Days Gone By

It's now week three into my second semester at college, and so far it's been hard to compare to the first semester because my classes and schedule are so completely different.  That's one thing about college; things never stay the same for long.  I guess that's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.  I mean it's taking a while to adjust to life here at school again.  For one thing, saying goodbye to my family this time as they dropped me off was even harder than when they left me in the summer.  It was hard because I had just spent three weeks getting used to being taken care of by them and surrounded by them again.  Then I had to re-grow up.  Oh, and then there's the simple fact that I just plain old miss them.  I miss the normal way things go around my house; the routine and simplicity of it all.  But like I was saying in an  earlier post, when I'm at home, I miss school, and when I'm at home, I miss school.  It's sort of a sad little circle sometimes!  But God's just using this to teach me to be content wherever He puts me.

This concept really challenged me last weekend when my old high school jazz band came to my school to play in the annual jazz blast.  Here's what I anticipated:  The kids would be nice to me and have fun with me, but there would be a definite divide between them and me.  Here's what actually happened:  I got a hug from almost everyone as they walked in and spent the day showing them my new home and playing piano with Parco just like we did every day during advisory last year.  They (especially the seniors) treated me like nothing had changed and I hadn't been gone for months.  I was having so much fun with them that I almost, almost forgot that I wasn't actually a part of the group anymore.  That just messed with my emotions all day long.

Being the amazing jazz band that they are, my high school won the competition and got to play with my new college jazz band at the night concert.  That's when I fully grasped the fact that they were playing in a different band from me.  I could no longer watch Mr. Gottwig's face as he conducted, make faces at Parco as she played piano, or be a part of the group that grew and changed me so much over the years in high school.  It was hard watching them perform from my backstage seat.  But after both their band and my band played I made an even sadder realization.  That was the last time my brother and I would ever share a stage. Ever.  Then I started to cry.  And I didn't stop.  So yet again (no this hasn't been the first time), my poor parents had to drive a teary eyed Mary back to the dorm after the concert.  They probably thought I was a mental case that night.  But I'm simply still trying to figure out how to grow up.  Part of my heart is still back in high school with my brothers, my band, my track team, and countless other people and groups that have played a major part in the person I am today.  But at the same time that other part of my heart has moved on and grown to love everyone here.

Needless to say, it's been a bit of a rocky start to my second semester, but all in all I'm enjoying my new schedule.  I'm also enjoying going running again in the mornings.  I started running about this time last year, but gave it up during the summer.  With the new year though, I started up again.  Just like last time, it's been a great way to manage stress and help give me a little stability to every day.  It's also been really fun and a good way for me to run off excess energy that you all know I have plenty of.

Right now I'm looking forward to this weekend and getting to spend some time on Sunday with my family.  I wish they could take me home with them on Friday, but that isn't in the cards this time.  At this point though, I'll take any time with them I can have!

Like I said earlier, lately God's been teaching me a lot with contentment.  No matter where I am, I need to be willing to live life to the fullest and not wish for things to be different.  I need to be content when I'm at school, I need to be content when I'm at home, I need to be content that I've moved on past high school and to the next chapter of life, I need to be content that God has me just where he wants me right here and right now, and I need to be content knowing that everything that has happened in the past is all part of his plan.  As David Grayson (no idea who he is, but he must be a wise man) puts it, Contentment comes as the infallible result of great acceptances, great humilities--of not trying to make ourselves this or that, but of surrendering ourselves to the fullness of life--of letting life flow through us.


Can I get an amen??

:)

Christmas Time

I'm officially nearing the end of the longest Christmas break I have ever experienced.  Right now I'm sitting in a cute coffee shop in Northern Wisconsin looking out over a snowy lake.  That's right, amazing as it seems, snow is actually a concept when you go four and a half hours northeast!  I'm enjoying being surrounded by big trees and lakes.  It's refreshingly peaceful up here.

Going home for Christmas was so different this year.  In high school I always had some sort of project to do, paper to write, or test to study for over break, but this year was truly a break.  I had literally nothing that needed to be done.  Because of that, both I and my entire family spent much needed time with countless friends.  It seemed like every day there was a different person to see and talk to.  This was both a blessing and a struggle for me.   I absolutely love being busy and having people surrounding me, but at the same time, there were days where I just wanted to sit in the den and read a book all the while listening to my mom baking in the kitchen, Daniel screaming at the Packer game in the basement, my dad making corny jokes, or Ben playing the piano in the living room.

However, most days that didn't happen.  I'm not sure I minded though because I got to spend time with people that I just don't see anymore.  That was such a treat.

As a Christmas present for Ben, a friend and I brought Jasmine home from Colorado for a huge surprise.  I've never seen him so speechless in my whole life when she popped out from inside his closet!  Of course, Ben still had school during the day, so Jasmine and I got some coloring, talking, and face painting done.  It was so fun to see her.  I think she and I had almost as much fun together as she and Ben.  Almost :)  It was sad to see her go, but I think a road trip to Colorado is in the near future for Ben and me.

The day after Christmas, we got to spend time with cousins.  I always appreciate the time we get to spend with them.  The older they get and the older we get, the more we can do together.  And as you can see, this picture was taken December 26th.  We were all coat-less and enjoying the warm weather and taking our very first cousin-only walk.

I also got to see this lovely lady twice!  Once at our trumpet sleepover and once for our traditional pancake breakfast and adventure (which this time, due to injuries, only ended up being a walk down the path by my house).  I wouldn't trade sister talks with Emma for anything.

All in all, even though this break was busy with even more people than I mentioned, it was lovely.  It was a good kind of busy that filled me up and reminded me of how special these friends are to my family and me.  By this point however, I'm ready to get back to school and get back to my regular routine.  But for now, I'm enjoying the views up in Northern Wisconsin as well as the company of two special people that I've been missing for three weeks, so I think I can wait a few more days to get back to the busyness of life.  :)

Christmas Blessings

On Thursday I finished off my first semester of college.  It feels like just yesterday I left, and now I'm already back home.  This comes with mixed feelings.  I spend so much time at school wishing I could be at home, but once I get home, I spend so much time wishing I could be at school.  Even though missing these dear places is hard, I think the constant ache I feel inside is God's reminder to me of how blessed I truly am.

There's a certain comfort that comes from knowing that no matter what, I have a family that loves me back at home.  Even when I'm at school and it's been a month since I've seen my mom, dad, or brothers, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt just how much they love and miss me.  Even when they aren't with me, everything I've learned from them over the years is with me, inside of me, and in that sense, they will never leave me.  

Now that I'm home for Christmas however, I'm realizing just how much I miss my family at school.  God blessed me so much when he brought me to Northwestern.  He has surrounded me with people who love God and are a daily encouragement to me.  He has blessed me with Godly professors, a great section leader in band, an awesome prayer group, countless role models, and two beautiful sisters who light up my life each day. 

Sometimes I am literally reduced to tears when I think about how blessed I am.  God has been so faithful to me this first semester at college, and He has moved in ways I never could have imagined a mere five months ago.  Now, I'm taking a break from the fast-paced college life though and remembering how to relax again.  And when I get back, I'll be re-charged and ready to tackle yet another semester of learning more about God's will for my life.  I'm excited to see what's next!

These ladies are God's biggest blessing to me this semester.  I'm thankful for them every day.  And I love them to the moon and back :)

A Great Joy

This past weekend I had the joy of playing in my very first Christmas at Northwestern.  Basically it's a Farmington Holiday Concert times six.  This past week I have been living in the music department as we have all been preparing for the biggest musical event of the year.  I was already worn out by Thursday night, and that was before the performances even started.

Our first performance on Friday was very different for me.  In fact so were the performances on Saturday and Sunday as well.  For the first time in a really long time, I was truly excited to get out on stage and perform.  Just ask my parents.  I was wiggling in my seat all through family dinner on Saturday just waiting to get back to school for the concert.  This is strange for me because at this time last year, I was seriously considering giving up on music all together for a number of reasons.

Throughout high school I found my identity in music, and gave pretty much everything I had to it.  Just ask my brothers.  I spent every waking minute practicing--even if they were still asleep.  All my practicing paid off, and I got into all-state.  There was no "first chair" but I got the solos and first and second parts on the harder songs.  I was given the best parts out of all of the trumpets.  Making all-state is the ultimate goal for most high schoolers, and being able to play with a group of that caliber was an amazing experience for me.  After the experience was over though, I felt lost.  I had gotten to be among the best of the best.  What else was there left to do?  My motivation was gone.

After all-state, anxiety set in.  The bar was set so high.  What if I didn't meet the high expectations everyone else had for me?  Worse still, what if I didn't meet the high expectations I had for myself?  I expected perfection and nothing short of it.  Music stopped being fun, and it started to become a test.  Every time I played, I either passed or failed.  Most of the time I failed because I was so nervous about what everyone else thought of me.  Concerts scared me to death, playing solos was out of the question, and auditions turned into life-altering moments.  I felt like my entire life was getting blown out of proportion.  I started to turn my back on music all together.  Until this year.

This year things have changed.  No longer am I first chair in a band that puts pressure on me to be perfect.  Instead I'm merely a part of a group of people who love to make music together but most of all love God more than they love their music.  It's been a slow process, but I'm starting to find the same joy in playing music that I had in my early high school years.  I was able to go onstage and have the time of my life playing Christmas music with the entire music department here at school.  I'm not worried so much about what other people think about me anymore.  I'm not worried as much about making a mistake.  No one is perfect.  Does this mean I'm completely free of my worries and fears?  No.  And chances are, I will never be completely free.  But through all of this, I'm learning to turn the focus off of myself and remember that I'm part of a bigger picture, and everything I do needs to bring glory to God, not myself.

I love the way my section leader put it.  One night when I was really struggling this fall, she told me to think of it like this:  Playing trumpet for God is like a child drawing a picture for his parent.  Even if all the child gives his parent is crayon scribbles, his parent doesn't care in the least because the love and meaning behind those crayon scribbles is worth more than the Mona Lisa.  God looks at my trumpet playing the same way.  It doesn't matter if I play perfectly or if I mess up big time.  As long as I do with with the right heart and play for Him rather than myself or my audience, He will be proud of me. And in the end that's all that really matters right?

Knowing that, it's a lot easier to play music with a peaceful and joyful heart :)

A Season of Thanks

Even though it is now past Thanksgiving, I feel the need for one more "thankful" post for someone I truly love and admire in a lot of ways--my big sister, Emma.

When I was little, some of the first prayers I remember saying to God consisted of me begging him for a baby sister.  Instead I wound up with two baby brothers.  Needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled about that.  God had a different plan in mind though, and while he never gave me a "real" sister, he has given me sisters at heart, Emma being one of the dearest to me.

There are many reasons why Emma is so special to me.  Through every year in high school, she was a person I could turn to with anything.  She was a stronghold for me in times of stress or in times when I just didn't know what to do.  She had a listening ear for everything.  She shared a love for music with me, and she struggled with me to fill some pretty big shoes when we took over the trumpet section together.  She's laughed with me, cried with me, and been there with me through many hard changes and situations. Like all sisters, we fought, but in the end, we came out stronger because of it.

These are all things from high school though.  One of the biggest things about Emma I'm thankful for today is the fact that even though I don't see her five times a day anymore, little has changed.  I might only see her five times a year now, but every time we get together we pick right up from where we left off.  Life has moved on from the days of high school for both of us, but I'm thankful that God has allowed us to stay "kindred spirits."  Some of my favorite high school memories were made with Emma, and through her friendship I've grown so much.  I can't begin to tell you how much fun we've had together over the last five years.  From being my locker buddy back in 7th grade all the way to biking 30 miles with me the day before leaving for college (not advised by the way), she's what I'd call a "forever friend" and I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything.

Thank you God for answering my prayer. 

<3

Traditions

Tonight I'm thankful for Thanksgiving traditions.  This is the time of year when I truly appreciate it when everything is the same as it's always been.  I may be off at college now, but there are certain things that I know won't change this Christmas season.  For starters, I am painfully aware that I will be woken up at 5:30 a.m. Thursday morning to make the seven hour drive to Battle Creek, Nebraska.  I am definitely a morning person, but that's a little early for even me!  Nevertheless, going to Aunt Mary's house for Thanksgiving is a tradition that I wouldn't trade for anything.  This year especially I'll appreciate the time with my family.

Another tradition is breaking out the Christmas music.  Typically we add a new CD to the collection each year, but we still have the CDs that I listened to for as long as I can remember.  Anytime I hear Amy Grant or Mannheim Steamroller, I get this indescribable feeling inside of me.  It's like I'm a little girl again anticipating the magic of Christmas morning.  A couple of my newer favorite Christmas CDs are by Point of Grace.  They somehow did not survive the transfer from the family computer to my laptop this summer.  I actually went into panic mode last night, tearing apart the house looking for them to re-load them, only to find them twenty minutes later outside in the van.  Crisis was avoided, but narrowly.  Christmas without my music is un-imaginable.

Setting up the Christmas tree when we get back from Nebraska is an adventure each year.  We're lame and have one of those fake trees, so my dad and brothers get us started by putting all the branches in the right places.  Then my mom and whoever she can get to help her string up the lights.  This is the most stressful part because if any part of the light string doesn't light up, we have to put everything on hold and run to the hardware store and get more. After all of that boring stuff, we get to the fun part: ornaments.  We all sit together in the living room and my parents give my brothers and I each a gift bag.  We open these and inside is our new ornament for the year.  It's always fun seeing what creative things they pick out representing the year we've nearly completed.  The rest of the ornaments we've acquired over the years all go up haphazardly over the rest of the tree.  It isn't picture perfect by department store standards, but it's perfect in my eyes.  Those ornaments never change.  Each year they're the same, and I can count on that!  It's like getting to see an old friend again when I pull them out and hang them up.  That's probably a really bad analogy, but it's how I feel :)

The only thing that's different this year is that I won't get to enjoy the magic for as long.  I'll be going back to school a day after the tree gets up.  I'll be sad because I'll have to wait for two more weeks to actually feel like it's Christmas at the Cline house.  But I guess I'll be ok because I get to go back to school and see these lovely faces!  Did I mention how thankful I am for them, or how much I miss them??  They make it ok to go back :)

My Gift

Today I'm thankful for the gift God has given me in my love for kids.  I was so blessed this weekend.  I decided (rather last minute) to head home with my family after my band concert on Friday night.  I got to enjoy food from Mom, sleeping in my own bed, and some much needed peace and quiet (well as quiet as it ever gets with seemingly endless football games being broadcasted downstairs).  I also got to go back to my church for a visit.  The few times I have made it back this year, I haven't seen a friend in sight, but this time I saw a very special little friend who reminded me just why I do what I do.

I was wandering around, trying to find someone to talk to after service, and saw this little face in the crowd!  Ellie is my high school track coach's daughter, and I've been watching her and her two older sisters for the last few summers off an on.  I held out my arms to little Ellie and she just ran toward me and gave me a big hug.  I don't know about you, but I think hugs from kids are the best.  Kids don't give hugs just to give hugs, they give hugs because they actually mean them!  Seeing Ellie's eyes light up when she saw me reminded me just how much I mean to this little girl.  She rattled on and on about her halloween costume, her stashed away candy, and even her cool-aid dyed hair!  She was just a whirlwind of smiles.  She turned to her mom and said "Mooooom, we should have Mary babysit again."  I felt sad as her mom had to explain that I was gone away at college and wouldn't be home for another month.  Ellie's face fell instantly.   I know that Ellie looks up to me in a lot of ways.  She knows that I care about her and that I'll pay attention to her even when her sisters and brother won't.  She knows I'm not afraid to be crazy with her and dance around the kitchen.  I'll make brownies and jello.  Sometimes I'll even pretend to be the Joker while she pretends to be Batman (that's usually only if I got sufficient sleep though!)  Other times I'll hold her hand while she cries, or simply go sit by her and ask her what's wrong when she's not playing with everyone else at the park.  Then I'll get about a week's worth of calories burned off chasing her and her siblings around the slides and swings.  I wouldn't trade what I do for anything.

According to Anne Shirley (my idol in every way) "We love best the people who need us."  Whether it's little girls like Ellie, Molly, Brooke, or Annamarie, or BIG girls like Megan or Christal, I find myself drawn to them simply because I know that they need me. And in the end, I need them just as much.  The little ones may not realize it, but as I'm spending my days with them in the summer, they are pouring into me just as much as I'm pouring into them.  Not even just because I'm a "mom in training" or a "teacher in training" but because they give a sense of purpose to my days.  I think when we take our eyes off of ourselves and focus on others we come to an even deeper understanding of what true joy and fulfillment can be.

Am I already looking forward to summer?  Maybe a little bit.  But for now I'm enjoying the moment and not thinking too much about summer.  Because like a lot of things in life, it will come before I know it :)

Breathing Again

Today I'm thankful for the fact that tomorrow is the last morning of speech class.  I honestly dreaded that class all summer long.  I'll mention again (two blogs in a row now) that I was homeschooled, and being homeschooled, I never had to take a speech class.  Who would I talk to?  The dog?  This class at college was the first time I'd had to get up in front of an audience and talk about something--all the while getting graded on how many "ums" came out of my mouth, how I just couldn't manage to stand still, or how somehow I managed to cut a nine minute speech down to just barely six minutes.  It was good fun.

Like I said, I dreaded this class ever since my advisor signed me up for it.  The thought of standing up there all by myself and talking gave me shivers.  I had absolutely no idea how I would get through that class.  Looking back on these last couple months though, I can honestly be proud of myself.  No, I may not have been the best speaker in the class, but I did well.  And what's even better is, I did something that I didn't think I could do.

I've been doing a lot of things lately that I didn't think I would be able to do.  I didn't think I would be able to make new friends so easily here.  Much less sisters.  I didn't think I would be able to make it living away from my parents for so long, but I have.  I didn't think I could dissect that pig last week in biology, but I did it (without any tears, thank you very much!).  I've also been easing my way back into trumpet solos.  They still scare the heck out of me, but maybe someday that too will be a thing of the past.

I know one thing to be true.  Without God I would never have made it this far.  Sometimes I forget to thank him for these victories in the moment (an unfortunate human failing of mine), but I never fail to remember that in the end, I would be nothing without Him.  As God is changing my world around me, He's changing me as well.  And for this, I am thankful :)

friends? or family :)

I was that girl who cried herself to sleep at camp and ached to go home early from missions trips because she missed her family so much.  I couldn't handle being away from home for more than a week even with my family.  Let's face it, I was one of those homeschooled kids who just loved the routine and comfort of her own house with people she'd known her whole life.  I'm being quite honest here, this whole college thing has scared me ever since I was little.  Now that I'm here though, it doesn't feel like I've been here for long at all.  In fact, my friend witnessed me completely puzzling over the fact that I've in fact been attending classes for over two months.  Time flies.  And sometimes I find myself wondering how on earth I've managed to keep my homesickness at bay.  God has truly blessed me in the start of my first year on my own by surrounding me with some awesome people.

Today I'm thankful for my band family here at school.  Does that sound like a completely nerdy thing to say?  It probably is a completely nerdy thing to say.  Does it look like I care though?  Without my real family here at school, these people have become my family.  I see them all after class every day, and I even eat dinner with them every night.  They ask me how my day was.  They tell funny stories.  They always have good advice (well, actually, that depends on the person giving advice I suppose!!)  Anyway, these people make my day every day :)

God has blessed me so much with friends this year.  During the last couple years there would be days I would just come home and cry because I longed for really good, true, "kindred spirit" sort of friends.  And with the exception of Emma, I could not find those sort of people anywhere in high school.  I was so frustrated by the end of senior year that I blew through my graduation ceremony without even shedding a tear!  (and it usually doesn't take much to make me cry).

My dad called it.  He told me "Mary, you're ready for a change.  I can tell."  Boy was he ever right.

A lot has changed over the past five months.  It's been a gradual change, but at the same time, a very abrupt change.  I don't miss a lot of things about high school.  I just don't.  Saying goodbye in June was easier than I thought it would be.  Now the events that took place a mere six months ago feel like a lifetime away.  I don't know what happened to the time!  Summer came, and I saw a lot of my friends from high school, but I realized something.  I'm not like these people.  We started truly living in different worlds.  I realized that I don't listen to the kind of music they do, I don't value the same things they do, I don't laugh at the nasty jokes they do, and I just don't like spending time with a bunch of them!  Of course there are people I miss from last year, but for the most part it wasn't hard to say goodbye to the majority of them.  That's when I realized that I was ready to leave.  I needed to go somewhere far away from all that had been surrounding me for so long.  Then the biggest change of all happened seemingly (or actually) overnight.  College.

It wasn't as instantaneous as I had hoped. It wasn't as hard as I had dreaded.  But after a few weeks of insanity (the kind of insanity that can only be associated with completely changing everything and moving away from home) I started making friends.  These people I now call friends are like family to me.  I always, always, ALWAYS have someone to talk to if I need to, and they're always, always, ALWAYS there.  That's a good thing to know on days like today; days that I miss my real family a lot.  Alotalotalotalot.  Every day isn't always easy, but in the end, it's always good. 

My Thankfuls

So in light of the upcoming holiday most commonly known as "Thanksgiving," I decided to make a list of "thankfuls."  I've only done this a handful of times, and today I decided it would be a good way to spend some time (that, and a good way to pass some time in class).

This is just the start of my list.  I could obviously go on for pages, taking each thing mentioned above and dissecting it for all it's worth.  I might do just that because I still have 22 days until Thanksgiving!  I love to thank God for things in my life because it forces me to shift my attitude from all the things that are going wrong.  I can instead reflect on all the things that are going right.  It never fails to put my attitude in its rightful place.

Today I am especially thankful for such a thing as family.  My mom, my dad, and my brothers are so awesome, and after I left for college, I realized again just how much they mean to me.

I'm thankful for my dad.  He jumps at any opportunity to spend time with me.  I LOVE to go biking with him, or go to Dunn Brothers with him, or just spend time talking with him (as long as he isn't being too crazy.)  He's such a good example for us all in my family both in being such a hard worker and in the way he lives his life.  He's also wise.  Whenever I have a problem, he'll listen.  He always has a Bible verse up his sleeve to help me through a situation.  I'm blessed to have him as a dad.

I'm thankful for my mom.  She's a lot like me.  She understands my need to be organized and my need to be on top of life.  She goes to so many measures to make sure I'm ok especially here at college.  She messages me at least once a day, she makes sure I have food, she makes sure I'm doing the right thing throughout situations I come across in my days, and she has me covered in prayer.  I always know my mom is praying for me every step of my life.  She prayed me through the hard times last year, and I know she'll pray me through the hard times this year.  I'm really thankful for my mom.

I'm thankful for my brothers.  While Ben and I may never have the same taste in music, I know he loves me anyway!  When there's something going on that I just can't talk to my parents about, I know I can talk to Ben.  He's sort of like my dad in that respect.  He's got a listening ear, and a wise heart.  Sometimes I think he should actually be the older brother rather than the younger one (enough people think he is already anyway).  I've seen him grow so much from those awkward homeschool years that nobody wants to remember, to today.  Having Ben around is like having a best friend that knows everything about you, yet loves you anyway.  I'm thankful for Ben.

I'm thankful for Daniel.  True, he has tried me like none other.  There are days, I go out of my way to avoid him (therefore avoiding being stared at in my room, asked countless times what I'm doing, or having the sink and toilet inspected for me after I use them).  Some days I know I'm a horrible sister, and I'm just plain mean to him, but he never loves me any less for it.  And in the end, I know his following me and his questions just mean that he cares about me.  Daniel is them most joyful person in the whole family.  After being away from him for two months now, I realize just how much I miss his happiness and goofiness every night at the dinner table.  

I hope my family gets to read this, and they know just how much I love and miss them each day.  They see how excited I am to go back to school after coming home for the weekend, and I hope that doesn't make them feel bad.  What they don't see however, is how I'm practically bouncing off my seat with anticipation during band on those fridays that I'm headed home.  I'm thankful for my family :) (PS, if you all are reading this, does this get me out of all birthday cards and mothers and fathers day cards??) 

Everything Else is Extra

 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”


Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”



Love God, love others; everything else is just extra.  I think we've all heard at least the first part of this phrase before.  I've heard it several times during the past couple days.  Mostly it's because I have two very understanding friends who are just fine with repeating it to me several times daily because I can't seem to get it through my head. I tend to worry about a lot of things.  Let's face it, I'm a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak!  I like to get things done on MY schedule, and I like to get them done MY way.  Sometimes I need to remember that I'm not the one in control.  God is.  Sure, I can do my part down here and do my best in school, but in the end it's up to Him to decide how my speech ends up coming out or if my studying will actually pay off for that bio test.  A grade, good or bad, does not determine my worth.  God will still love me, my mom will still love me, my dad will still love me, my brothers will still love me, my "sisters" will still love me, and my puppy definitely will still love me!  That doesn't mean I shouldn't care, but it means that life goes on no matter what.  That's a very good thing sometimes!


Relinquishing control is one of the hardest things for me to do, but this year a lot has been changing for me.  I've been learning that I simply cannot control everything.  I can't control my homework, I can't control my roommates, and I can't even feel somewhat in control and drive off places anymore in my car to escape for a while.


I've also been learning that life isn't going to always go on my schedule.  I love having a regular schedule to follow, and at home that was always hard to do.  My family would always have things going on that would get in my way.  I was actually looking forward to leaving home just so I could finally have my own life and run things according to my schedule.  That still doesn't work though because while I may not have my actual family dictating what I do with my days and nights, I have a new "family" here that keeps me just as busy, if not more.  And this is a good thing.  Sometimes I may not be able to go to bed on time because my sister needs to talk or wants to practice bassoon until late hours, and sometimes I end up staying in the library with a brother a little longer than expected.  But in the end, I know God has truly blessed me with these people in my life, and I would sacrifice my schedule for them anytime.  


To sum up this rather rambly entry, I suppose I'll just say one more time how grateful I am to be at this school learning these things.  It was quite the journey to get here, and I'm glad that God has this place written into the next four to five years of my life.  I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me here.  It may not always be what I want or expect, but I'm ok with that.  Life would be pretty boring if I got to decide everything :)