Christmas Blessings

On Thursday I finished off my first semester of college.  It feels like just yesterday I left, and now I'm already back home.  This comes with mixed feelings.  I spend so much time at school wishing I could be at home, but once I get home, I spend so much time wishing I could be at school.  Even though missing these dear places is hard, I think the constant ache I feel inside is God's reminder to me of how blessed I truly am.

There's a certain comfort that comes from knowing that no matter what, I have a family that loves me back at home.  Even when I'm at school and it's been a month since I've seen my mom, dad, or brothers, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt just how much they love and miss me.  Even when they aren't with me, everything I've learned from them over the years is with me, inside of me, and in that sense, they will never leave me.  

Now that I'm home for Christmas however, I'm realizing just how much I miss my family at school.  God blessed me so much when he brought me to Northwestern.  He has surrounded me with people who love God and are a daily encouragement to me.  He has blessed me with Godly professors, a great section leader in band, an awesome prayer group, countless role models, and two beautiful sisters who light up my life each day. 

Sometimes I am literally reduced to tears when I think about how blessed I am.  God has been so faithful to me this first semester at college, and He has moved in ways I never could have imagined a mere five months ago.  Now, I'm taking a break from the fast-paced college life though and remembering how to relax again.  And when I get back, I'll be re-charged and ready to tackle yet another semester of learning more about God's will for my life.  I'm excited to see what's next!

These ladies are God's biggest blessing to me this semester.  I'm thankful for them every day.  And I love them to the moon and back :)

A Great Joy

This past weekend I had the joy of playing in my very first Christmas at Northwestern.  Basically it's a Farmington Holiday Concert times six.  This past week I have been living in the music department as we have all been preparing for the biggest musical event of the year.  I was already worn out by Thursday night, and that was before the performances even started.

Our first performance on Friday was very different for me.  In fact so were the performances on Saturday and Sunday as well.  For the first time in a really long time, I was truly excited to get out on stage and perform.  Just ask my parents.  I was wiggling in my seat all through family dinner on Saturday just waiting to get back to school for the concert.  This is strange for me because at this time last year, I was seriously considering giving up on music all together for a number of reasons.

Throughout high school I found my identity in music, and gave pretty much everything I had to it.  Just ask my brothers.  I spent every waking minute practicing--even if they were still asleep.  All my practicing paid off, and I got into all-state.  There was no "first chair" but I got the solos and first and second parts on the harder songs.  I was given the best parts out of all of the trumpets.  Making all-state is the ultimate goal for most high schoolers, and being able to play with a group of that caliber was an amazing experience for me.  After the experience was over though, I felt lost.  I had gotten to be among the best of the best.  What else was there left to do?  My motivation was gone.

After all-state, anxiety set in.  The bar was set so high.  What if I didn't meet the high expectations everyone else had for me?  Worse still, what if I didn't meet the high expectations I had for myself?  I expected perfection and nothing short of it.  Music stopped being fun, and it started to become a test.  Every time I played, I either passed or failed.  Most of the time I failed because I was so nervous about what everyone else thought of me.  Concerts scared me to death, playing solos was out of the question, and auditions turned into life-altering moments.  I felt like my entire life was getting blown out of proportion.  I started to turn my back on music all together.  Until this year.

This year things have changed.  No longer am I first chair in a band that puts pressure on me to be perfect.  Instead I'm merely a part of a group of people who love to make music together but most of all love God more than they love their music.  It's been a slow process, but I'm starting to find the same joy in playing music that I had in my early high school years.  I was able to go onstage and have the time of my life playing Christmas music with the entire music department here at school.  I'm not worried so much about what other people think about me anymore.  I'm not worried as much about making a mistake.  No one is perfect.  Does this mean I'm completely free of my worries and fears?  No.  And chances are, I will never be completely free.  But through all of this, I'm learning to turn the focus off of myself and remember that I'm part of a bigger picture, and everything I do needs to bring glory to God, not myself.

I love the way my section leader put it.  One night when I was really struggling this fall, she told me to think of it like this:  Playing trumpet for God is like a child drawing a picture for his parent.  Even if all the child gives his parent is crayon scribbles, his parent doesn't care in the least because the love and meaning behind those crayon scribbles is worth more than the Mona Lisa.  God looks at my trumpet playing the same way.  It doesn't matter if I play perfectly or if I mess up big time.  As long as I do with with the right heart and play for Him rather than myself or my audience, He will be proud of me. And in the end that's all that really matters right?

Knowing that, it's a lot easier to play music with a peaceful and joyful heart :)

A Season of Thanks

Even though it is now past Thanksgiving, I feel the need for one more "thankful" post for someone I truly love and admire in a lot of ways--my big sister, Emma.

When I was little, some of the first prayers I remember saying to God consisted of me begging him for a baby sister.  Instead I wound up with two baby brothers.  Needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled about that.  God had a different plan in mind though, and while he never gave me a "real" sister, he has given me sisters at heart, Emma being one of the dearest to me.

There are many reasons why Emma is so special to me.  Through every year in high school, she was a person I could turn to with anything.  She was a stronghold for me in times of stress or in times when I just didn't know what to do.  She had a listening ear for everything.  She shared a love for music with me, and she struggled with me to fill some pretty big shoes when we took over the trumpet section together.  She's laughed with me, cried with me, and been there with me through many hard changes and situations. Like all sisters, we fought, but in the end, we came out stronger because of it.

These are all things from high school though.  One of the biggest things about Emma I'm thankful for today is the fact that even though I don't see her five times a day anymore, little has changed.  I might only see her five times a year now, but every time we get together we pick right up from where we left off.  Life has moved on from the days of high school for both of us, but I'm thankful that God has allowed us to stay "kindred spirits."  Some of my favorite high school memories were made with Emma, and through her friendship I've grown so much.  I can't begin to tell you how much fun we've had together over the last five years.  From being my locker buddy back in 7th grade all the way to biking 30 miles with me the day before leaving for college (not advised by the way), she's what I'd call a "forever friend" and I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything.

Thank you God for answering my prayer. 

<3

Traditions

Tonight I'm thankful for Thanksgiving traditions.  This is the time of year when I truly appreciate it when everything is the same as it's always been.  I may be off at college now, but there are certain things that I know won't change this Christmas season.  For starters, I am painfully aware that I will be woken up at 5:30 a.m. Thursday morning to make the seven hour drive to Battle Creek, Nebraska.  I am definitely a morning person, but that's a little early for even me!  Nevertheless, going to Aunt Mary's house for Thanksgiving is a tradition that I wouldn't trade for anything.  This year especially I'll appreciate the time with my family.

Another tradition is breaking out the Christmas music.  Typically we add a new CD to the collection each year, but we still have the CDs that I listened to for as long as I can remember.  Anytime I hear Amy Grant or Mannheim Steamroller, I get this indescribable feeling inside of me.  It's like I'm a little girl again anticipating the magic of Christmas morning.  A couple of my newer favorite Christmas CDs are by Point of Grace.  They somehow did not survive the transfer from the family computer to my laptop this summer.  I actually went into panic mode last night, tearing apart the house looking for them to re-load them, only to find them twenty minutes later outside in the van.  Crisis was avoided, but narrowly.  Christmas without my music is un-imaginable.

Setting up the Christmas tree when we get back from Nebraska is an adventure each year.  We're lame and have one of those fake trees, so my dad and brothers get us started by putting all the branches in the right places.  Then my mom and whoever she can get to help her string up the lights.  This is the most stressful part because if any part of the light string doesn't light up, we have to put everything on hold and run to the hardware store and get more. After all of that boring stuff, we get to the fun part: ornaments.  We all sit together in the living room and my parents give my brothers and I each a gift bag.  We open these and inside is our new ornament for the year.  It's always fun seeing what creative things they pick out representing the year we've nearly completed.  The rest of the ornaments we've acquired over the years all go up haphazardly over the rest of the tree.  It isn't picture perfect by department store standards, but it's perfect in my eyes.  Those ornaments never change.  Each year they're the same, and I can count on that!  It's like getting to see an old friend again when I pull them out and hang them up.  That's probably a really bad analogy, but it's how I feel :)

The only thing that's different this year is that I won't get to enjoy the magic for as long.  I'll be going back to school a day after the tree gets up.  I'll be sad because I'll have to wait for two more weeks to actually feel like it's Christmas at the Cline house.  But I guess I'll be ok because I get to go back to school and see these lovely faces!  Did I mention how thankful I am for them, or how much I miss them??  They make it ok to go back :)

My Gift

Today I'm thankful for the gift God has given me in my love for kids.  I was so blessed this weekend.  I decided (rather last minute) to head home with my family after my band concert on Friday night.  I got to enjoy food from Mom, sleeping in my own bed, and some much needed peace and quiet (well as quiet as it ever gets with seemingly endless football games being broadcasted downstairs).  I also got to go back to my church for a visit.  The few times I have made it back this year, I haven't seen a friend in sight, but this time I saw a very special little friend who reminded me just why I do what I do.

I was wandering around, trying to find someone to talk to after service, and saw this little face in the crowd!  Ellie is my high school track coach's daughter, and I've been watching her and her two older sisters for the last few summers off an on.  I held out my arms to little Ellie and she just ran toward me and gave me a big hug.  I don't know about you, but I think hugs from kids are the best.  Kids don't give hugs just to give hugs, they give hugs because they actually mean them!  Seeing Ellie's eyes light up when she saw me reminded me just how much I mean to this little girl.  She rattled on and on about her halloween costume, her stashed away candy, and even her cool-aid dyed hair!  She was just a whirlwind of smiles.  She turned to her mom and said "Mooooom, we should have Mary babysit again."  I felt sad as her mom had to explain that I was gone away at college and wouldn't be home for another month.  Ellie's face fell instantly.   I know that Ellie looks up to me in a lot of ways.  She knows that I care about her and that I'll pay attention to her even when her sisters and brother won't.  She knows I'm not afraid to be crazy with her and dance around the kitchen.  I'll make brownies and jello.  Sometimes I'll even pretend to be the Joker while she pretends to be Batman (that's usually only if I got sufficient sleep though!)  Other times I'll hold her hand while she cries, or simply go sit by her and ask her what's wrong when she's not playing with everyone else at the park.  Then I'll get about a week's worth of calories burned off chasing her and her siblings around the slides and swings.  I wouldn't trade what I do for anything.

According to Anne Shirley (my idol in every way) "We love best the people who need us."  Whether it's little girls like Ellie, Molly, Brooke, or Annamarie, or BIG girls like Megan or Christal, I find myself drawn to them simply because I know that they need me. And in the end, I need them just as much.  The little ones may not realize it, but as I'm spending my days with them in the summer, they are pouring into me just as much as I'm pouring into them.  Not even just because I'm a "mom in training" or a "teacher in training" but because they give a sense of purpose to my days.  I think when we take our eyes off of ourselves and focus on others we come to an even deeper understanding of what true joy and fulfillment can be.

Am I already looking forward to summer?  Maybe a little bit.  But for now I'm enjoying the moment and not thinking too much about summer.  Because like a lot of things in life, it will come before I know it :)

Breathing Again

Today I'm thankful for the fact that tomorrow is the last morning of speech class.  I honestly dreaded that class all summer long.  I'll mention again (two blogs in a row now) that I was homeschooled, and being homeschooled, I never had to take a speech class.  Who would I talk to?  The dog?  This class at college was the first time I'd had to get up in front of an audience and talk about something--all the while getting graded on how many "ums" came out of my mouth, how I just couldn't manage to stand still, or how somehow I managed to cut a nine minute speech down to just barely six minutes.  It was good fun.

Like I said, I dreaded this class ever since my advisor signed me up for it.  The thought of standing up there all by myself and talking gave me shivers.  I had absolutely no idea how I would get through that class.  Looking back on these last couple months though, I can honestly be proud of myself.  No, I may not have been the best speaker in the class, but I did well.  And what's even better is, I did something that I didn't think I could do.

I've been doing a lot of things lately that I didn't think I would be able to do.  I didn't think I would be able to make new friends so easily here.  Much less sisters.  I didn't think I would be able to make it living away from my parents for so long, but I have.  I didn't think I could dissect that pig last week in biology, but I did it (without any tears, thank you very much!).  I've also been easing my way back into trumpet solos.  They still scare the heck out of me, but maybe someday that too will be a thing of the past.

I know one thing to be true.  Without God I would never have made it this far.  Sometimes I forget to thank him for these victories in the moment (an unfortunate human failing of mine), but I never fail to remember that in the end, I would be nothing without Him.  As God is changing my world around me, He's changing me as well.  And for this, I am thankful :)

friends? or family :)

I was that girl who cried herself to sleep at camp and ached to go home early from missions trips because she missed her family so much.  I couldn't handle being away from home for more than a week even with my family.  Let's face it, I was one of those homeschooled kids who just loved the routine and comfort of her own house with people she'd known her whole life.  I'm being quite honest here, this whole college thing has scared me ever since I was little.  Now that I'm here though, it doesn't feel like I've been here for long at all.  In fact, my friend witnessed me completely puzzling over the fact that I've in fact been attending classes for over two months.  Time flies.  And sometimes I find myself wondering how on earth I've managed to keep my homesickness at bay.  God has truly blessed me in the start of my first year on my own by surrounding me with some awesome people.

Today I'm thankful for my band family here at school.  Does that sound like a completely nerdy thing to say?  It probably is a completely nerdy thing to say.  Does it look like I care though?  Without my real family here at school, these people have become my family.  I see them all after class every day, and I even eat dinner with them every night.  They ask me how my day was.  They tell funny stories.  They always have good advice (well, actually, that depends on the person giving advice I suppose!!)  Anyway, these people make my day every day :)

God has blessed me so much with friends this year.  During the last couple years there would be days I would just come home and cry because I longed for really good, true, "kindred spirit" sort of friends.  And with the exception of Emma, I could not find those sort of people anywhere in high school.  I was so frustrated by the end of senior year that I blew through my graduation ceremony without even shedding a tear!  (and it usually doesn't take much to make me cry).

My dad called it.  He told me "Mary, you're ready for a change.  I can tell."  Boy was he ever right.

A lot has changed over the past five months.  It's been a gradual change, but at the same time, a very abrupt change.  I don't miss a lot of things about high school.  I just don't.  Saying goodbye in June was easier than I thought it would be.  Now the events that took place a mere six months ago feel like a lifetime away.  I don't know what happened to the time!  Summer came, and I saw a lot of my friends from high school, but I realized something.  I'm not like these people.  We started truly living in different worlds.  I realized that I don't listen to the kind of music they do, I don't value the same things they do, I don't laugh at the nasty jokes they do, and I just don't like spending time with a bunch of them!  Of course there are people I miss from last year, but for the most part it wasn't hard to say goodbye to the majority of them.  That's when I realized that I was ready to leave.  I needed to go somewhere far away from all that had been surrounding me for so long.  Then the biggest change of all happened seemingly (or actually) overnight.  College.

It wasn't as instantaneous as I had hoped. It wasn't as hard as I had dreaded.  But after a few weeks of insanity (the kind of insanity that can only be associated with completely changing everything and moving away from home) I started making friends.  These people I now call friends are like family to me.  I always, always, ALWAYS have someone to talk to if I need to, and they're always, always, ALWAYS there.  That's a good thing to know on days like today; days that I miss my real family a lot.  Alotalotalotalot.  Every day isn't always easy, but in the end, it's always good. 

My Thankfuls

So in light of the upcoming holiday most commonly known as "Thanksgiving," I decided to make a list of "thankfuls."  I've only done this a handful of times, and today I decided it would be a good way to spend some time (that, and a good way to pass some time in class).

This is just the start of my list.  I could obviously go on for pages, taking each thing mentioned above and dissecting it for all it's worth.  I might do just that because I still have 22 days until Thanksgiving!  I love to thank God for things in my life because it forces me to shift my attitude from all the things that are going wrong.  I can instead reflect on all the things that are going right.  It never fails to put my attitude in its rightful place.

Today I am especially thankful for such a thing as family.  My mom, my dad, and my brothers are so awesome, and after I left for college, I realized again just how much they mean to me.

I'm thankful for my dad.  He jumps at any opportunity to spend time with me.  I LOVE to go biking with him, or go to Dunn Brothers with him, or just spend time talking with him (as long as he isn't being too crazy.)  He's such a good example for us all in my family both in being such a hard worker and in the way he lives his life.  He's also wise.  Whenever I have a problem, he'll listen.  He always has a Bible verse up his sleeve to help me through a situation.  I'm blessed to have him as a dad.

I'm thankful for my mom.  She's a lot like me.  She understands my need to be organized and my need to be on top of life.  She goes to so many measures to make sure I'm ok especially here at college.  She messages me at least once a day, she makes sure I have food, she makes sure I'm doing the right thing throughout situations I come across in my days, and she has me covered in prayer.  I always know my mom is praying for me every step of my life.  She prayed me through the hard times last year, and I know she'll pray me through the hard times this year.  I'm really thankful for my mom.

I'm thankful for my brothers.  While Ben and I may never have the same taste in music, I know he loves me anyway!  When there's something going on that I just can't talk to my parents about, I know I can talk to Ben.  He's sort of like my dad in that respect.  He's got a listening ear, and a wise heart.  Sometimes I think he should actually be the older brother rather than the younger one (enough people think he is already anyway).  I've seen him grow so much from those awkward homeschool years that nobody wants to remember, to today.  Having Ben around is like having a best friend that knows everything about you, yet loves you anyway.  I'm thankful for Ben.

I'm thankful for Daniel.  True, he has tried me like none other.  There are days, I go out of my way to avoid him (therefore avoiding being stared at in my room, asked countless times what I'm doing, or having the sink and toilet inspected for me after I use them).  Some days I know I'm a horrible sister, and I'm just plain mean to him, but he never loves me any less for it.  And in the end, I know his following me and his questions just mean that he cares about me.  Daniel is them most joyful person in the whole family.  After being away from him for two months now, I realize just how much I miss his happiness and goofiness every night at the dinner table.  

I hope my family gets to read this, and they know just how much I love and miss them each day.  They see how excited I am to go back to school after coming home for the weekend, and I hope that doesn't make them feel bad.  What they don't see however, is how I'm practically bouncing off my seat with anticipation during band on those fridays that I'm headed home.  I'm thankful for my family :) (PS, if you all are reading this, does this get me out of all birthday cards and mothers and fathers day cards??) 

Everything Else is Extra

 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”


Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”



Love God, love others; everything else is just extra.  I think we've all heard at least the first part of this phrase before.  I've heard it several times during the past couple days.  Mostly it's because I have two very understanding friends who are just fine with repeating it to me several times daily because I can't seem to get it through my head. I tend to worry about a lot of things.  Let's face it, I'm a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak!  I like to get things done on MY schedule, and I like to get them done MY way.  Sometimes I need to remember that I'm not the one in control.  God is.  Sure, I can do my part down here and do my best in school, but in the end it's up to Him to decide how my speech ends up coming out or if my studying will actually pay off for that bio test.  A grade, good or bad, does not determine my worth.  God will still love me, my mom will still love me, my dad will still love me, my brothers will still love me, my "sisters" will still love me, and my puppy definitely will still love me!  That doesn't mean I shouldn't care, but it means that life goes on no matter what.  That's a very good thing sometimes!


Relinquishing control is one of the hardest things for me to do, but this year a lot has been changing for me.  I've been learning that I simply cannot control everything.  I can't control my homework, I can't control my roommates, and I can't even feel somewhat in control and drive off places anymore in my car to escape for a while.


I've also been learning that life isn't going to always go on my schedule.  I love having a regular schedule to follow, and at home that was always hard to do.  My family would always have things going on that would get in my way.  I was actually looking forward to leaving home just so I could finally have my own life and run things according to my schedule.  That still doesn't work though because while I may not have my actual family dictating what I do with my days and nights, I have a new "family" here that keeps me just as busy, if not more.  And this is a good thing.  Sometimes I may not be able to go to bed on time because my sister needs to talk or wants to practice bassoon until late hours, and sometimes I end up staying in the library with a brother a little longer than expected.  But in the end, I know God has truly blessed me with these people in my life, and I would sacrifice my schedule for them anytime.  


To sum up this rather rambly entry, I suppose I'll just say one more time how grateful I am to be at this school learning these things.  It was quite the journey to get here, and I'm glad that God has this place written into the next four to five years of my life.  I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me here.  It may not always be what I want or expect, but I'm ok with that.  Life would be pretty boring if I got to decide everything :)

1 Corinthians 13:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

I hate goodbyes.  There's something horribly final about them, and things are often never the same again after they're said.  Graduating this year, I had to say a lot of goodbyes.  Some of them I was honestly glad to say!  Others, not so much.  Either way, I thought I was done with goodbyes for at least a few years.  This weekend however, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend that I've gotten to know and love over the past couple years.

When my brother first started dating Jasmine, I must admit, my big sister instincts kicked in.  Ben had always been my best pal growing up, and I didn't want him to have any other girls in his life but me.  It was a little silly, I know, but that described my feelings in a nutshell.  

I've seen Jasmine grow and change in so many good ways over the last couple years though.  I couldn't be more proud of her.  Gradually, I found myself learning to like her and accept her into my family.  She has an infectious smile and laugh that never fails to put a grin on my face.  She even joins me in picking on Ben every once in a while.  (That's when you know you've found a winner!!)  

I know God has a plan for her as she makes her move out to Colorado, but I can't help but worry about how much I'll miss her.  More than anything though, I'm thankful for the lessons she's taught me in giving people a chance, even when you don't want to like them.  You never know what could happen when you try to make a new friend :)

This week has been a bit of a crazy week.  Second quad started here at school and I guess I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with life now that I have a whopping five classes instead of four.  It's amazing how much that extra class can add unnecessary stress to your life.  Needless to say, I've been holing myself up in-between classes this week, just trying to get homework done.  This weekend though, I've put all homework aside for a while, and I'm just re-learning how to relax.  Honestly, I woke up this morning feeling anxiety like I haven't felt in a long time simply because I hadn't taken an Old Testament quiz and done my prescribed Jonah reading from the day before!  At that point I realized I was being silly, and obviously needed to make a change!  Lucky for me I have a good excuse not to worry about homework for a while this weekend.  This morning at 10:36 (only six minutes late!), my mom whisked me away along with my two lovely friends for a relaxing day back at home.  It's only been a few hours since we got here, but I already feel my heart going back to beating at a normal pace, and I'm remembering that there's more to life than getting that next assignment done.  On the agenda for today (after about an hour's worth of indecisiveness) is/has been: a walk through the pasture, climbing a tree, blogging at Dunn Bros, a nap, the Nebraska football game, and a birthday celebration for Megan.  I couldn't ask for a better day.  Sometimes I think God sends me days like today to remind me that life isn't all about lists and how much I can possibly squeeze into an afternoon in the library.  So for the rest of this day, I think I'll just be thankful for the simple fact that for the next 23 hours, I am going to be surrounded by all the people I love most: my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters, and of course, my puppy.  Life doesn't get much better than that.