You Stay the Same

So here I am.  Only one more week of classes left.  So now I have to face the last challenge of the year: saying goodbye.

As I look back over the past year, I wonder where it all went.  I think it's partly because this winter was so weird and warm, but it feels like fall simply turned into spring and caught me by surprise.

I've tried five times to write this blog post, but it's been really hard to find the words for this one because there's a lot of conflict inside of me.  There have been times in the past few weeks where God has literally just had to break me apart in order to start healing me, and that's hard to talk about.  Maybe summer is exactly what I need to simply step away from things for a while.  Mostly though, my heart is just filled with thankfulness for the blessings God has given me despite my mistakes and shortcomings.  It's wonderful that God doesn't bless me according to what I deserve because I sure wouldn't be left with much!

So now as I'm looking towards summer, I am thankful for all the things I've come to know and love this year: the people, the places, and everything else that I'm going to miss for three months this summer.  I don't think a single day has passed by while I've been here that I haven't thanked God for this place.  Not every day has been easy or even fun, but at the end of it all, I am still able to tell God how grateful I am for how He's working in and through me.

So what has God been teaching me as I'm preparing to say goodbye for a few months?  I keep being brought back to James 1 where it says:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5


I also keep coming to Hebrews 13:8 where it says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.


These verses tell me that I'm not a finished product.  Ever.  If I am, that's a problem!  God should always be working me and changing me into a person who brings Him more honor and glory.  I'll always have work to be done inside of me.  But even while God is changing me or changing everything around me, there is one thing I can count on:  God will never change.  NEVER.  The world may fall away, but He will remain the same.

As I leave from this place, I'm going to cling to that promise.  :)

Spring has Sprung

I realize that the last time I posted was, well, a long time ago.  But then I realized that the main reason I post on this thing is to sort of process things I'm learning being away from home.  In a way, I've been just settling in.  I wouldn't say that I've figured out life here, but things here are just starting to seem more normal as opposed to weird, different, or hard.

Wait, did I say things weren't hard?  I didn't mean that.  While a lot of things are starting to settle in, the challenges with living here are still new and, quite frankly, more challenging than ever.  A lot of times, there is no right or wrong answer to a problem.  The answer of what to do isn't always in black and white.  Sometimes there isn't even an answer that has any good in it, and no matter what I choose, things will be bad.  I strongly dislike those sorts of problems, and it seems like this semester has been filled with them.

When there isn't an answer, and I can't reason around these problems, that's where I've been learning to go to God.  Even if I don't know how to solve a problem, He is there to give me wisdom, peace, and comfort.  Even if things don't seem ok, I know God will never send anything my way that He knows I can't handle.  I've been learning to trust Him in a much deeper way, knowing that only He provides the kind of peace I seek.

God has been so good in many ways this week.  It's like He flipped the switch from winter (if you could even call these last six months winter) to summer in only a matter of days.  And as the temperature rises campus comes alive with people emerging from their dorm dens.  There is just so much joy in everyone around me, I haven't been able to do anything except smile this whole week!  My joy has come from a deeper peace than I have had in long time (and the weather too I suppose).  Because just as God has been changing this weather, He has also been changing me.  Things are different now, but life comes in seasons, and even though trusting God can be hard through these seasons of change, I've come to realize that life isn't always about knowing the big picture of God's plan.  It's just about trusting God to be there with you each step of the way.  

Days Gone By

It's now week three into my second semester at college, and so far it's been hard to compare to the first semester because my classes and schedule are so completely different.  That's one thing about college; things never stay the same for long.  I guess that's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.  I mean it's taking a while to adjust to life here at school again.  For one thing, saying goodbye to my family this time as they dropped me off was even harder than when they left me in the summer.  It was hard because I had just spent three weeks getting used to being taken care of by them and surrounded by them again.  Then I had to re-grow up.  Oh, and then there's the simple fact that I just plain old miss them.  I miss the normal way things go around my house; the routine and simplicity of it all.  But like I was saying in an  earlier post, when I'm at home, I miss school, and when I'm at home, I miss school.  It's sort of a sad little circle sometimes!  But God's just using this to teach me to be content wherever He puts me.

This concept really challenged me last weekend when my old high school jazz band came to my school to play in the annual jazz blast.  Here's what I anticipated:  The kids would be nice to me and have fun with me, but there would be a definite divide between them and me.  Here's what actually happened:  I got a hug from almost everyone as they walked in and spent the day showing them my new home and playing piano with Parco just like we did every day during advisory last year.  They (especially the seniors) treated me like nothing had changed and I hadn't been gone for months.  I was having so much fun with them that I almost, almost forgot that I wasn't actually a part of the group anymore.  That just messed with my emotions all day long.

Being the amazing jazz band that they are, my high school won the competition and got to play with my new college jazz band at the night concert.  That's when I fully grasped the fact that they were playing in a different band from me.  I could no longer watch Mr. Gottwig's face as he conducted, make faces at Parco as she played piano, or be a part of the group that grew and changed me so much over the years in high school.  It was hard watching them perform from my backstage seat.  But after both their band and my band played I made an even sadder realization.  That was the last time my brother and I would ever share a stage. Ever.  Then I started to cry.  And I didn't stop.  So yet again (no this hasn't been the first time), my poor parents had to drive a teary eyed Mary back to the dorm after the concert.  They probably thought I was a mental case that night.  But I'm simply still trying to figure out how to grow up.  Part of my heart is still back in high school with my brothers, my band, my track team, and countless other people and groups that have played a major part in the person I am today.  But at the same time that other part of my heart has moved on and grown to love everyone here.

Needless to say, it's been a bit of a rocky start to my second semester, but all in all I'm enjoying my new schedule.  I'm also enjoying going running again in the mornings.  I started running about this time last year, but gave it up during the summer.  With the new year though, I started up again.  Just like last time, it's been a great way to manage stress and help give me a little stability to every day.  It's also been really fun and a good way for me to run off excess energy that you all know I have plenty of.

Right now I'm looking forward to this weekend and getting to spend some time on Sunday with my family.  I wish they could take me home with them on Friday, but that isn't in the cards this time.  At this point though, I'll take any time with them I can have!

Like I said earlier, lately God's been teaching me a lot with contentment.  No matter where I am, I need to be willing to live life to the fullest and not wish for things to be different.  I need to be content when I'm at school, I need to be content when I'm at home, I need to be content that I've moved on past high school and to the next chapter of life, I need to be content that God has me just where he wants me right here and right now, and I need to be content knowing that everything that has happened in the past is all part of his plan.  As David Grayson (no idea who he is, but he must be a wise man) puts it, Contentment comes as the infallible result of great acceptances, great humilities--of not trying to make ourselves this or that, but of surrendering ourselves to the fullness of life--of letting life flow through us.


Can I get an amen??

:)

Christmas Time

I'm officially nearing the end of the longest Christmas break I have ever experienced.  Right now I'm sitting in a cute coffee shop in Northern Wisconsin looking out over a snowy lake.  That's right, amazing as it seems, snow is actually a concept when you go four and a half hours northeast!  I'm enjoying being surrounded by big trees and lakes.  It's refreshingly peaceful up here.

Going home for Christmas was so different this year.  In high school I always had some sort of project to do, paper to write, or test to study for over break, but this year was truly a break.  I had literally nothing that needed to be done.  Because of that, both I and my entire family spent much needed time with countless friends.  It seemed like every day there was a different person to see and talk to.  This was both a blessing and a struggle for me.   I absolutely love being busy and having people surrounding me, but at the same time, there were days where I just wanted to sit in the den and read a book all the while listening to my mom baking in the kitchen, Daniel screaming at the Packer game in the basement, my dad making corny jokes, or Ben playing the piano in the living room.

However, most days that didn't happen.  I'm not sure I minded though because I got to spend time with people that I just don't see anymore.  That was such a treat.

As a Christmas present for Ben, a friend and I brought Jasmine home from Colorado for a huge surprise.  I've never seen him so speechless in my whole life when she popped out from inside his closet!  Of course, Ben still had school during the day, so Jasmine and I got some coloring, talking, and face painting done.  It was so fun to see her.  I think she and I had almost as much fun together as she and Ben.  Almost :)  It was sad to see her go, but I think a road trip to Colorado is in the near future for Ben and me.

The day after Christmas, we got to spend time with cousins.  I always appreciate the time we get to spend with them.  The older they get and the older we get, the more we can do together.  And as you can see, this picture was taken December 26th.  We were all coat-less and enjoying the warm weather and taking our very first cousin-only walk.

I also got to see this lovely lady twice!  Once at our trumpet sleepover and once for our traditional pancake breakfast and adventure (which this time, due to injuries, only ended up being a walk down the path by my house).  I wouldn't trade sister talks with Emma for anything.

All in all, even though this break was busy with even more people than I mentioned, it was lovely.  It was a good kind of busy that filled me up and reminded me of how special these friends are to my family and me.  By this point however, I'm ready to get back to school and get back to my regular routine.  But for now, I'm enjoying the views up in Northern Wisconsin as well as the company of two special people that I've been missing for three weeks, so I think I can wait a few more days to get back to the busyness of life.  :)

Christmas Blessings

On Thursday I finished off my first semester of college.  It feels like just yesterday I left, and now I'm already back home.  This comes with mixed feelings.  I spend so much time at school wishing I could be at home, but once I get home, I spend so much time wishing I could be at school.  Even though missing these dear places is hard, I think the constant ache I feel inside is God's reminder to me of how blessed I truly am.

There's a certain comfort that comes from knowing that no matter what, I have a family that loves me back at home.  Even when I'm at school and it's been a month since I've seen my mom, dad, or brothers, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt just how much they love and miss me.  Even when they aren't with me, everything I've learned from them over the years is with me, inside of me, and in that sense, they will never leave me.  

Now that I'm home for Christmas however, I'm realizing just how much I miss my family at school.  God blessed me so much when he brought me to Northwestern.  He has surrounded me with people who love God and are a daily encouragement to me.  He has blessed me with Godly professors, a great section leader in band, an awesome prayer group, countless role models, and two beautiful sisters who light up my life each day. 

Sometimes I am literally reduced to tears when I think about how blessed I am.  God has been so faithful to me this first semester at college, and He has moved in ways I never could have imagined a mere five months ago.  Now, I'm taking a break from the fast-paced college life though and remembering how to relax again.  And when I get back, I'll be re-charged and ready to tackle yet another semester of learning more about God's will for my life.  I'm excited to see what's next!

These ladies are God's biggest blessing to me this semester.  I'm thankful for them every day.  And I love them to the moon and back :)

A Great Joy

This past weekend I had the joy of playing in my very first Christmas at Northwestern.  Basically it's a Farmington Holiday Concert times six.  This past week I have been living in the music department as we have all been preparing for the biggest musical event of the year.  I was already worn out by Thursday night, and that was before the performances even started.

Our first performance on Friday was very different for me.  In fact so were the performances on Saturday and Sunday as well.  For the first time in a really long time, I was truly excited to get out on stage and perform.  Just ask my parents.  I was wiggling in my seat all through family dinner on Saturday just waiting to get back to school for the concert.  This is strange for me because at this time last year, I was seriously considering giving up on music all together for a number of reasons.

Throughout high school I found my identity in music, and gave pretty much everything I had to it.  Just ask my brothers.  I spent every waking minute practicing--even if they were still asleep.  All my practicing paid off, and I got into all-state.  There was no "first chair" but I got the solos and first and second parts on the harder songs.  I was given the best parts out of all of the trumpets.  Making all-state is the ultimate goal for most high schoolers, and being able to play with a group of that caliber was an amazing experience for me.  After the experience was over though, I felt lost.  I had gotten to be among the best of the best.  What else was there left to do?  My motivation was gone.

After all-state, anxiety set in.  The bar was set so high.  What if I didn't meet the high expectations everyone else had for me?  Worse still, what if I didn't meet the high expectations I had for myself?  I expected perfection and nothing short of it.  Music stopped being fun, and it started to become a test.  Every time I played, I either passed or failed.  Most of the time I failed because I was so nervous about what everyone else thought of me.  Concerts scared me to death, playing solos was out of the question, and auditions turned into life-altering moments.  I felt like my entire life was getting blown out of proportion.  I started to turn my back on music all together.  Until this year.

This year things have changed.  No longer am I first chair in a band that puts pressure on me to be perfect.  Instead I'm merely a part of a group of people who love to make music together but most of all love God more than they love their music.  It's been a slow process, but I'm starting to find the same joy in playing music that I had in my early high school years.  I was able to go onstage and have the time of my life playing Christmas music with the entire music department here at school.  I'm not worried so much about what other people think about me anymore.  I'm not worried as much about making a mistake.  No one is perfect.  Does this mean I'm completely free of my worries and fears?  No.  And chances are, I will never be completely free.  But through all of this, I'm learning to turn the focus off of myself and remember that I'm part of a bigger picture, and everything I do needs to bring glory to God, not myself.

I love the way my section leader put it.  One night when I was really struggling this fall, she told me to think of it like this:  Playing trumpet for God is like a child drawing a picture for his parent.  Even if all the child gives his parent is crayon scribbles, his parent doesn't care in the least because the love and meaning behind those crayon scribbles is worth more than the Mona Lisa.  God looks at my trumpet playing the same way.  It doesn't matter if I play perfectly or if I mess up big time.  As long as I do with with the right heart and play for Him rather than myself or my audience, He will be proud of me. And in the end that's all that really matters right?

Knowing that, it's a lot easier to play music with a peaceful and joyful heart :)

A Season of Thanks

Even though it is now past Thanksgiving, I feel the need for one more "thankful" post for someone I truly love and admire in a lot of ways--my big sister, Emma.

When I was little, some of the first prayers I remember saying to God consisted of me begging him for a baby sister.  Instead I wound up with two baby brothers.  Needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled about that.  God had a different plan in mind though, and while he never gave me a "real" sister, he has given me sisters at heart, Emma being one of the dearest to me.

There are many reasons why Emma is so special to me.  Through every year in high school, she was a person I could turn to with anything.  She was a stronghold for me in times of stress or in times when I just didn't know what to do.  She had a listening ear for everything.  She shared a love for music with me, and she struggled with me to fill some pretty big shoes when we took over the trumpet section together.  She's laughed with me, cried with me, and been there with me through many hard changes and situations. Like all sisters, we fought, but in the end, we came out stronger because of it.

These are all things from high school though.  One of the biggest things about Emma I'm thankful for today is the fact that even though I don't see her five times a day anymore, little has changed.  I might only see her five times a year now, but every time we get together we pick right up from where we left off.  Life has moved on from the days of high school for both of us, but I'm thankful that God has allowed us to stay "kindred spirits."  Some of my favorite high school memories were made with Emma, and through her friendship I've grown so much.  I can't begin to tell you how much fun we've had together over the last five years.  From being my locker buddy back in 7th grade all the way to biking 30 miles with me the day before leaving for college (not advised by the way), she's what I'd call a "forever friend" and I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything.

Thank you God for answering my prayer. 

<3