This past weekend I had the joy of playing in my very first Christmas at Northwestern. Basically it's a Farmington Holiday Concert times six. This past week I have been living in the music department as we have all been preparing for the biggest musical event of the year. I was already worn out by Thursday night, and that was before the performances even started.
Our first performance on Friday was very different for me. In fact so were the performances on Saturday and Sunday as well. For the first time in a really long time, I was truly excited to get out on stage and perform. Just ask my parents. I was wiggling in my seat all through family dinner on Saturday just waiting to get back to school for the concert. This is strange for me because at this time last year, I was seriously considering giving up on music all together for a number of reasons.
Throughout high school I found my identity in music, and gave pretty much everything I had to it. Just ask my brothers. I spent every waking minute practicing--even if they were still asleep. All my practicing paid off, and I got into all-state. There was no "first chair" but I got the solos and first and second parts on the harder songs. I was given the best parts out of all of the trumpets. Making all-state is the ultimate goal for most high schoolers, and being able to play with a group of that caliber was an amazing experience for me. After the experience was over though, I felt lost. I had gotten to be among the best of the best. What else was there left to do? My motivation was gone.
After all-state, anxiety set in. The bar was set so high. What if I didn't meet the high expectations everyone else had for me? Worse still, what if I didn't meet the high expectations I had for myself? I expected perfection and nothing short of it. Music stopped being fun, and it started to become a test. Every time I played, I either passed or failed. Most of the time I failed because I was so nervous about what everyone else thought of me. Concerts scared me to death, playing solos was out of the question, and auditions turned into life-altering moments. I felt like my entire life was getting blown out of proportion. I started to turn my back on music all together. Until this year.
This year things have changed. No longer am I first chair in a band that puts pressure on me to be perfect. Instead I'm merely a part of a group of people who love to make music together but most of all love God more than they love their music. It's been a slow process, but I'm starting to find the same joy in playing music that I had in my early high school years. I was able to go onstage and have the time of my life playing Christmas music with the entire music department here at school. I'm not worried so much about what other people think about me anymore. I'm not worried as much about making a mistake. No one is perfect. Does this mean I'm completely free of my worries and fears? No. And chances are, I will never be completely free. But through all of this, I'm learning to turn the focus off of myself and remember that I'm part of a bigger picture, and everything I do needs to bring glory to God, not myself.
I love the way my section leader put it. One night when I was really struggling this fall, she told me to think of it like this: Playing trumpet for God is like a child drawing a picture for his parent. Even if all the child gives his parent is crayon scribbles, his parent doesn't care in the least because the love and meaning behind those crayon scribbles is worth more than the Mona Lisa. God looks at my trumpet playing the same way. It doesn't matter if I play perfectly or if I mess up big time. As long as I do with with the right heart and play for Him rather than myself or my audience, He will be proud of me. And in the end that's all that really matters right?
Knowing that, it's a lot easier to play music with a peaceful and joyful heart :)
